Breaking Those Old Habits, Custody and Co-Parenting After Divorce - Indiana Divorce Law 2013

There are many growing pains in those weeks, months and years after a divorce occurs.  Ex-spouses adjust to their new normal and often experience feelings of fear, sadness, relief, joy and confusion as they try to rebuild their lives.  During this time, they may also find themselves in situations where they are continuing to engage in communication (which led to their divorce) that is combative, malicious and hurtful.  Unfortunately, many of the negative characteristics that were present in the failed marriage will often transfer over to the post-divorce relationship, which, in turn, continue to affect the children.  In children of divorce, the music stops but the dance goes on. Children who are exposed to on-going parental conflict are at a disadvantage because they internalize the negativity. The effects of marital conflict on children can include:

• Physiological-They secrete excessive amounts of adrenaline during conflict.

• Behavioral-They have a lessened ability to retain focus.

• Social-They are compromised in their ability to make friends.

• Academics-They have lower math and reading scores by age 8.

• Physical-They have more infectious diseases.

In order to decrease the parental conflict, the ex-spouses need to take stock in the communication patterns that were taking place in the past and now in the present. For many years, a common belief was that couples were divorcing because of their unresolved issues with life stressors such as money, sex, children, work, etc. But what we know now is that it was not the stressor itself that led to the divorce--it was the negative behavior they used while communicating to each other about the stressor. 

Dr. John Gottman, a clinical psychologist, researcher and author of several books including The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, conducted longitudinal studies for 30 years on couples and concluded that there are four predictive behaviors to divorce.  He identified these behaviors as the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” because of the devastating effect they have on relationships.  They include:

Criticism

• It is an attack on the spouse at the core, leaving one feeling assaulted, rejected and hurt.

Example: "You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people. You’re just selfish! You never think of others, let alone your own children!”

Contempt 

• This is treating your spouse with disrespect and/or mocking them with sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, mimicking, and/or body language, such as eye-rolling. This is the “I am up here and you are down there” mentality.  

Example: “You truly are an idiot.”

Defensiveness 

• This can be seen as an attempt to protect oneself, but really it is an attempt to blame the other person.

Example: “The problem isn’t me, it’s you!”

Stonewalling 

• This is when one person decides to “check out” or withdraw from the interaction. 

Example:  “Why are you acting like you could care less about what I am saying? I know you can hear me!”

One of the most helpful tools that divorced parents can have is an understanding that these toxic communication patterns do not need to continue as they begin the process of co-parenting their children.  There are antidotes to the Four Horsemen, which can be used to help shift the communication patterns.   They include:

Criticism-Try to complain without blame. Use “I”statements and relate them to what you are feeling. 

Example: "I was scared when you were running late with the kids and didn't call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other." 

Contempt -Try to focus (even if it seems small) on something that your ex-partner has done that is good and beneficial for your children.

Example: “I really like how you handled yourself at the school meeting.”

Defensiveness-Try to accept responsibility for any part of the issue. 

Example: “Oops, I forgot to call and let you know that we were running late. I will let you know in the future.”

Stonewalling-People withdraw because they are internally overwhelmed. Calm and soothe yourself before you continue contact. 

Example: “I am going to need a 20-minute break before we can continue our conversation.”

Although the marriage is over, the parenting continues. The transition to co-parenting can be a challenge, but can also be an opportunity for growth. The communication patterns that contributed to the divorce CAN change.  Children learn by imitating the behavior of their parents. As they get older, they will fall back on what they learned in childhood. It is never too late to demonstrate how to manage conflict and role model what respectful communication looks like. Remember: what you do now is what they will do in their future.  

“The family is one of nature’s masterpieces.” –George Santayana

This posting was authored by Shannon Loehr, MSW, LCSW.  Shannon is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in private practice in the Broad Ripple area of Indianapolis.  Her practice focuses on working with individuals, couples and families dealing with a variety of challenges.  She lives in the Indianapolis area with her husband Andrew and their two children.  You can check out her website at www.shannonloehr.com 

The "New" & "Old" Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines - Indiana Custody Law

he Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines were amended (in other words changed) on March 1, 2013.  I summarized the changes here and published a copy of of the "new" guidelines here.  However, the Guidelines do not automatically apply to cases decided under the "old" parenting time guidelines.  Specifically, the "new" Guidelines provide:

Existing parenting time orders in effect on March 1, 2013 shall be enforced according to the parenting time guidelines that were in effect on the date the parenting time order was issued.

Which guidelines apply to your case?  In addition to the "new" guidelines there are  parenting time guidelines as amended in  2001 (the "old" guidelines).  As I did not readily find where the "old"guidelines were available on the Indiana government site so I've published PDF copies of the "old" guidelines here. 

Also, the 1997 Hamilton County Visitation Guidelines are here.

o discuss this please contact me. To see all of my postings on this topic search here.

Parallel Parenting and High Conflict Parents - New Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines 2013

One of the most significant changes to the Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines for 2013 is the addition of parallel parenting.  What is parallel parenting?

“In parallel parenting, each parent agrees to parent their child effectively, parenting “next to” one another rather than “with” each other. Minor issues concerning the children are not communicated about. However, each parent does provide the other parent with “important information” about the children, without debating about the parenting plan or either one’s style of parenting.”[1]

What do the new Indiana parenting time guidelines say about parallel parenting? 

The Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines, effective March 1, 2013, state that parallel parenting is a deviation from the parenting time guidelines, should be limited to cases where the court determines the parties are high conflict and a parallel parenting plan court order is necessary to stop ongoing high conflict that is endangering the well-being of the child. 

“High conflict parents” is defined by the guidelines as “parties who demonstrate a pattern of ongoing litigation, chronic anger and distrust, inability to communicate about and cooperate in the care of the child, or other behaviors placing the child’s well-being at risk.” 

A parallel parenting order is a deviation from the guidelines and the court may deviate from the guidelines to reduce the adverse effects on the children. 

In application each parent will make day-to-day decisions about the child while the child is with the parent.  The guidelines state that “[w]ith parallel parenting, communication between the parents is limited, except in emergencies, and the communication is usually in writing.  Appropriate counseling professionals are recommended to help parents handle parallel parenting arrangements.  Parallel parenting may also be appropriate to phase out supervised parenting time.”

Parallel parenting is not meant to be a permanent arrangement, and in all cases  the court will set a mandatory review hearing of the parallel order at least every 180 days. 

For more regarding the reasoning behind parallel parenting, and the aspirations of a parallel order, I have copied portions of a discussion by Dr. Allison Bell, PsyD., below.  Her full discussion of parallel parenting can be found here.

To discuss this please contact me. To see all of my postings on this topic search here.

The Definition and Merits of Parallel Parenting

Allison J. Bell, Psy.D.

Since the late 1990’s, there has been a fair body of research literature published regarding families of divorce and the styles of parenting after divorce. In a 2005 article for the Journal of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, Dr. Joan B. Kelly, widely known and respected for her research on children of divorce, writes about beneficial parenting plan models for children post-divorce. The impact of conflict is now well-known to be the key predictor of children’s adjustment post-divorce, and this knowledge has informed a greater acceptance of multiple access options for parents and professionals, as well as the courts, to consider.

The majority of parents are able to lessen their conflict within the first two to three years following a divorce, but as many as 20% of such parents remain entrenched in conflict. Parenting styles generally fall into three categories: cooperative, conflicted, or disengaged. Parents who argue a lot and who cannot gain control of their hostility need to learn to disengage. They can still parent together, in a form known as Parallel Parenting.

In parallel parenting, each parent agrees to parent their child effectively, parenting “next to” one another rather than “with” each other. Minor issues concerning the children are not communicated about. However, each parent does provide the other parent with “important information” about the children, without debating about the parenting plan or either one’s style of parenting.

Important information means anything that refers to the health, welfare and interests of the children. Thus, if a child is sick, the other parent must be notified of this fact, including details on what medications have already been administered and what treatment needs to be continued. If a child has a school field trip, the other parent must be notified. A decision about which parent might chaperone the trip shall be made in accordance with the parenting plan outlined in the Agreement/Stipulation/Judgment of Divorce. The same is true of Little League or other extracurricular activities that the children participate in.

Each parent develops and maintains their own relationships with the child’s teachers, coaches, doctors, dentists and friends. The child has one set of these professionals in his/her life, not multiples. The child goes to one school or daycare center and has one set of teachers there. The child has one pediatrician, one dentist, etc. The parents maintain independent communication with each of these professionals, unless required to be at a particular forum jointly.

Since communication remains vital and necessary, it is often advised that non-emergency communications be done by email or fax (Philip M. Stahl, PhD. 2000). It is all right to limit non-emergency communications to once a week, barring time-sensitive information. Immediate concerns need to be shared by telephone and any additional method as soon as possible. Reducing general communication helps reduce conflict.

For parents with very young children, it is vitally important to share information frequently, perhaps on an almost daily basis. This does not have to be done in a conversation; a useful tool for sharing detailed communication is a “parent communication notebook”, in which all the highlights of a child’s emotions and behaviors can be written down for the other parent to read upon each exchange of the child. Things that are typically included in this notebook are observations about the child’s health, feeding and sleeping patterns, language issues, the child’s moods, what techniques might soothe the child best, and what circumstances seem to upset the child. It is important that this notebook stays with the child so that both parents have access to it and can use it as a forum for sharing thoughts and observations about the child’s needs.